Updated at: 02-06-2023 - By: Craig Huey

After a year and three months at the same Mellow Mushroom, I can safely say that I am not getting any younger. I spend WAY too much time there, what with working 20–25 hours a week and a double shift every weekend. It’s depressing, and you could tell them to “get their bag,” but does that really help if they barely make above minimum wage? Since I’ve consumed so much pizza from Ye Ole Shroom over the past year, I feel confident in offering my recommendations for both the best and worst options on the menu.

Away with it:Mushroom pizza with just the right amount of mildness

There will be a system in place for categorizing each ranking. For the sake of coherence, I’ll be working my way down the article from the “munchies” at the top of the menu to the drinks and desserts at the bottom.

These are not my photos, by the way. If I had taken my own, I wouldn’t have to worry about being bullied at work, but that was never an option.


Soup with Psychic Mushrooms (No. 9)


This looks too good to be true. Looks like it might be brown or gray, and it tastes the same way.

Food: Meatballs in Threes


Personally, I’m not a meat eater, but even if I were, meatballs would never be my go-to.

7 Baked Chicken Wings

Olivia Niesse, a member of the Talon, says they’re hot, so they’re sitting pretty at number seven. It’s a little more exciting than meatballs because you can customize the dish with a wide variety of sauces.

Bruschetta, Number Six

This is boring and not even remotely entertaining. The question is why you would want to buy it.

5. Hummus


monotonous, but in a good way

Sandwich with Spinach Dip


Excellent, if a little on the cheesy side. Very corny, but maybe that was the point?

Pretzel Bites, No. 3


A true classic among underground film fans.

2. Pretzels, salted or seasoned with Parmesan


I will condemn you to a life of salt instead of parmesan if you make that choice. Unless, of course, you’re on a vegan diet. They’re like the little pretzel bites, but much larger.

Toasted Cheese Bread (with Pesto or Pepperoni)


The cheese bread is the clear winner here, though I would have liked to see pesto included.

My favorite type of Mellow Mushroom food is the salad, but we’ll be trying out some of their munchies next.


5. Chef


There is MEAT in this salad!!! There are two varieties!!! Never had it, and don’t intend to start any time soon.

4. Caesar


Even though I’m a vegetarian, I’ve never tried our caesar salad. A wager: you didn’t.

3. Greek


You can make a killer salad without the kalamata olives.

2. House


This simple salad is always a hit.



The best salad on the market; if you enjoy salads, you will definitely enjoy this one. Spinach, apple, pear, nut, and cheese! Where do you possibly go wrong?

I don’t really have anything interesting to say about salads, and yes, you can make your own, but they’re still pretty dull. Even though I found out last night that we’re getting new salads, I’m not going to say anything about them because they look absolutely vile. PIES

Here I will rate the first five meat pies based on their overall presentation and appeal.

Rank: #9 Mighty Meaty


Yes, I do have a beef with this pizza, and it has nothing to do with my vegetarianism. My car and I always smell like pizza when I get home from work. I find it repulsive and cannot stand it.

8. House

I wouldn’t want to meet someone who orders a personal-sized house pie from us. No way are you going to eat the whole thing without yakking. You can’t tell how pretty the pizza is on the inside until you slice into it. All it is, really, is a big pie. And I suppose that’s the point.

Seventh, the Pacific Oceanic Ring


Jalapenos! Ham! Pineapple! Bacon! Onions cooked to a sweet caramelization!

In case you were wondering, that’s what you’d find along the Pacific coast. The boss said I wouldn’t be “promoted” until I knew every item on the menu by heart. Recently, I mistook banana peppers for jalapenos in one of his quizzes. That’s why I ranked this pizza at #7 instead of #6.

I just wanted to give Josh a shout out. There’s a talon article about you!!!

Soulful Q.


A dull pie with an idiotic name! It’s not very pretty, but that’s probably because the barbecue is so flimsy that it keeps falling apart.

5A Buffalo-Style Chicken


Pretty, but I wouldn’t want to meet the person who orders it with bleu cheese instead of ranch or who opts for no swirl at all.

Finally, number four is the Shiitake mushroom.


This pizza is delicious, but there’s just too much cheese for me to eat more than one slice. All you need are mushrooms, cheese, oil, garlic, and onions. Simply put, I can’t justify spending $13 on a small pizza that I won’t eat all of. Even though I work there and would never pay $13, my point stands.

3 Get Your Vegetables In Order


One of the best of the oldies! It’s your standard vegetable pie, loaded with all the veggies you can imagine. Even though I know I’m trashing my body, eating a slice always makes me feel good.

Second, Kosmic Karma

Delicious, especially if you like pesto. This one is right up there with the best of them.

Massive White

Incredible, always the highlight of the show. It would make me sad to see this pizza go off the menu. Toppings include caramelized onions and tomato sauce on a white pizza base.

Another addition to the menu is the new specialty pies, about which I have much to say.

It’s not bad to have a barbecue in the backyard. In terms of ingredients, it’s pretty standard, with shredded barbecue and peppers.

Havana is a wild place, but that pie is repulsive. If you order and eat this pizza, you will get my unabashed judgment. The fact that it doesn’t have a foundation should raise alarm bells. There’s a lot of meat on it, which is fine because you do you. Diced pickles and our new “Mayo-Mustard” sauce, which consists of nothing more than mayonnaise and yellow mustard, ruin this pie.

The “sauce” is liberally applied to the pie, which only makes matters worse. Nasty.

You might think I’m a Mellow Pizza hater, but I swear I’m not. The vegan dough and “cheese” are phenomenal.


**we also have a chicken and a steak,,, but they’re interchangeable; just use chicken in place of steak.

Thirdly, a sausage-fest


True to its name, it means precisely what it seems to. It’s probably good, but I have no idea, so it’s only at #3 on my list.

2. Cheese


This is fantastic, but the cheese factor puts me off. In case you’re a cheese aficionado, this calzone features no fewer than three kinds of cheese.

1. Veggie


GAS!!! My ideal meal consists of mushrooms, spinach, tomatoes, and cheese.


So far, I’ve only tried the tofu and avocado hoagies, so I’ll rate those. The other varieties all contain meat. Maybe I shouldn’t have been the one to rate our food options, but it turned out okay anyway. After all, hoagies all look the same.

The second example is an avocado.


It’s passable, though it can’t compare to the tofu.


Incredibly simple; I wouldn’t go out of my way to get it. Ordering a pizza is the better option.

My temper has finally reached a boiling point. The Cuban sandwich has replaced the tofu hoagie on the menu. Unfortunately, I’m not a huge fan of our hoagies, so I guess it doesn’t matter that the updates are disappointing me while I’m compiling this ranking.


**I don’t feel the need to include pictures because the text should suffice. Plus, I’m a slug.

Oatmeal Raisin Cookies, No. 6

Nasty. In addition to the general yuckiness of oatmeal cookies, ours are particularly unpleasant because they are hard and crusty. Our oatmeal raisin is legendary, and some of my coworkers would kill for some, but I avoid them at all costs. Glad to hear we’re getting rid of them.

Fifth, Relaxing Pops

This is acceptable. Just a regular old popsicle, frozen and sugary. Since my thoughts on them are so uninspiring, at least I have a funny story to tell.

A peculiar brother and sister team show up every week to play Bingo and Trivia on Tuesdays and Thursdays. If table 52 is taken, they will sit at table 53, right next to the announcer, Josh. Since I’ve been working here, they’ve consistently come in to cheat on the weekly trivia night. To his brother David, whodemandsfor the Mellow Pop version of Banana Pudding in addition to having a tantrum when he finds out we’re gone, despite the fact that we’ve been gone for four months… There won’t be another shipment until the spring, but he never seems to care that they are seasonal. He requires immediate access to his pop of banana pudding. There will always be a soft spot in my heart for Becky and David.

Chocolate-covered peanut-butter cookie by Reese’s

In all honesty, it’s a great choice! That’s some serious flavor!

Three-Chocolate Brownie from Mary Jane

Simple brownies with a cutesy name that could be deceptive.tooinappropriate for a “family” restaurant, given the implication.

Second, a chocolate chip cookie

The best of all the cookies, in my opinion. Any time I need to borrow a cookie, this one goes first. Except, you’re not my boss if you’re reading this.

Brownie made without gluten.

Incredible quality; way above and beyond what one would anticipate; totally awesome. These brownies are not homemade, but rather packaged and sold at Whole Foods; this, however, does not detract from their deliciousness. Don’t worry, there’s no hint of gluten-free taste here!

On one of the morning shifts, a kitchen boy named Briggs made cinnamon rolls for us using leftover dough, cinnamon, and sugar from the bar. Even though the idea was present, I ultimately decided not to try them. Wonderful aromas emanated from them. What a lovable person!

NEWS FLASH: SUGAR COOKIES ARE COMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Items that are only available at certain locations can be found in this section.

Philosophy Pie #6

Even though I haven’t tried the meat, I’m placing this dish in the top six because it sounds tasty and contains kalamata olives.

5. Appetizer Caprese


Despite Mellow Mushroom’s (inadequate) salad line, I find Caprese to be tedious and would never pay for one. I’d rather just make my own…

Maui Wowie!

Basically, it’s a Hawaiian with jerk chicken, banana peppers (my personal favorite), bacon, and a pesto sauce. Only pineapple, pesto, and banana peppers would make it onto my plate if I were to eat this. It’s not the worst combination, but the banana peppers are the only thing that elevate this pie to the top. What makes the name even cuter is that it rhymes.

Thirdly, Stuffed Potato


Sure, this pizza is delicious. You’ll find bacon, potatoes, caramelized onions, two kinds of cheese, sour cream, and a spicy ranch swirl in this dish. Only when someone in the kitchen “messed up” a pizza did I get to pick off the bacon and eat it in the prep area; otherwise, I would never have tried it.

Thai Pie with Colored Icing


This is amazing with Thai chili sauce. Our oil and garlic crust pies are some of my favorites. This pizza always looks so appealing, and it always smells so good. I’ll admit that the curry chicken makes my mouth water, and there have been times when I considered ordering some. Magical Mystery Tour, but I won’t Go There

The pizza has finally made it to the top spot. The fact that it’s named after the Fab Four automatically makes it awesome. It has a pesto sauce base, portobello mushrooms, cheese, spinach, and jalapenos. Simply put, it’s the best pizza ever.

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Because of the whole meat situation, my opinions are somewhat invalidated for about half of the menu. Even though I’ve rejected the vast majority of the menu items, I still eat Mellow Mushroom before, during, and after every shift.